When You’re Not That Version of You Anymore
And you’re beating yourself up for it... What happens when you hold yourself to the standards of a version of you that no longer exists?
PERSONAL GROWTH
Tawny Ann De La Peña
4/16/20266 min read
The Night I Tried to Prove I Was Still “That Girl”
Spoiler alert: I was not, in fact, that girl that night.
I joined an IRL Nike Run Club for the first time.
Not because I love running with people (I don’t).
But because I also can’t complain about not having friends if I refuse to leave my house.
So… growth. I guess 🙃.
When I arrived at the meet-up point, there were three distance options:
3K (~2 mi)
5K (~3 mi)
8K (~5 mi)
Now listen.
I’ve run a 16K race before.
So in my head, I was like:
“8K? Please. Light work.”
But what I conveniently ignored was… literally all the evidence:
I hadn’t run long distance in a while
I recently recovered from overtraining syndrome, followed immediately by an upper respiratory infection
And the last time I tried to run 4 miles… I only made it to 2 miles
But you know what I told myself?
“That doesn’t count.”
Because admitting I had to work back up to it again felt like admitting I had gone backwards.
And we don’t like that.
Especially when the person we’re competing with… is ourselves.
The Run That Humbled Me Real Quick
Confidence is cute until reality shows up uninvited.
I started strong.
Like, suspiciously strong.
You know that kind of strong where you’re like:
“Wow… am I… elite?”
Yeah. That one.
But a few things were already working against me:
The warm-up was longer than I’m used to
There was a delay that cooled my body down
I was already a little tired and hungry by the time the run started
The “slow” pace group was still faster than my typical average pace
By mile 3, I could definitely feel it.
My breathing got heavier.
My chest started tightening.
And the worst part?
Every time we hit a crosswalk, I had to sprint to keep up.
Which is a terrible strategy when you’re already struggling.
Eventually, I fell behind.
Then further behind.
Then I couldn’t even see the group anymore.
At exactly 4 miles…
I stopped the workout on my watch.
One mile short of the finish line.
The Walk Back Was Brutal
Nothing hits quite like your own voice turning against you.
That half-mile walk back to the meet-up point?
Brutal.
Not physically.
But mentally.
Here’s what my brain had to say:
"You’re so weak.”
“You used to be able to do this.”
“What tf happened to you?”
“You really couldn’t do ONE more mile?”
And my personal favorite:
“You’re a weak lil bitch.”
(Yes. Verbatim.)
I was so embarrassed, I literally took off my neon headband and running vest so people wouldn’t recognize me.
Like if I couldn’t see them… they couldn’t see me.
The Real Problem Wasn’t the Run
It wasn’t about the 8K. It was about who I thought I was supposed to be.
When I actually calmed down and looked at it objectively…
I realized something important:
I didn’t make the decision to run the 8K based on who I am now.
I made it based on who I used to be.
And those are not the same person.
The Problem With Comparing Yourself to Who You Used to Be
Because the version of you you’re trying to keep up with doesn’t exist anymore.
Here’s the BS I Had to Unlearn
“If I could do it before, I should be able to do it now.”
That belief will wreck tf out of you.
Because it completely ignores reality.
Here’s what was actually happening vs what I told myself was happening:
Same situation. Two completely different narratives.
What I Actually Did Right (That I Ignored)
Because apparently my brain only collects evidence for why I suck.
When I looked at the facts, here’s what I saw:
I listened to my body when something felt off
I managed my breathing and heart rate the entire run
I didn’t push through a sharp pain (which could’ve made things worse)
I avoided potentially overtraining AGAIN
I still ran 4 miles at a faster-than-usual pace
That’s not failure.
I was actually smart.
Yeah, I didn’t finish… but the facts tell me I knew exactly what I was doing.
And honestly?
This is something I see all the time.
Not just in me…
but in the people I work with too — especially the ones who hold themselves to a really high standard.
We tell ourselves we should still be that person.
That we "should be":
more disciplined
more consistent
more “on top of things”
“If I could do it before, why can’t I do it now?”
Like nothing about our life has changed —
even though we have more on our plate, less energy, and way different demands now.
So instead of adjusting…
we judge ourselves…harshly.
More often than not, we’re so much harder on ourselves than we need to be.
We zoom in on everything we did wrong —
every mistake, every missed mark, every “failure” —
and treat it like it cancels out everything we did right.
Like the moment we fall short in one area…
it erases:
the effort
the awareness
the progress
the things we actually handled well
But that’s not how it works.
That’s just your brain being really good at collecting evidence for why you’re not enough.
And the wild part?
That version of you who pushed this hard…
who pressured you to perform like that?
It worked.
That’s how you got to where you are.
But that doesn’t mean it’s the strategy you need now.
Why This Hits So Hard (Especially If You’re an Overachiever)
Because we don’t just compare ourselves to other people — we compare ourselves to the version of us we think had our shit together.
And that comparison is brutal.
You’re not just trying to be good.
You’re trying to be as good as:
your strongest phase
your most disciplined era
the “I had my shit together” version of yourself
And when you’re not?
You don’t just think, “I’m having an off day.”
You think you’ve regressed as a person.
“I’m getting worse.”
Because this doesn’t just show up in running.
It shows up in the quiet, everyday moments.
Like when you used to wake up at 5 A.M. without a problem…
and now you hit snooze three times and immediately question your discipline.
Or when you used to be on top of everything —
your work, your routines, your life —
and now you feel overwhelmed by things that used to feel easy.
Or something as simple as realizing you don’t have 20/20 vision anymore…
and somehow making that mean: “Something’s wrong with me.”
Like… no.
You didn’t fail.
Your circumstances changed.
The Truth About “Going Backwards”
Not being able to do something you used to doesn’t mean you’re worse — it means something is different.
That’s it.
It could be:
your environment
your health
your stress levels
your training consistency
your current capacity
And none of those things determine your worth.
The Lesson I’m Taking From This (Whether I Like It or Not)
Progress isn’t about proving you’re still who you were — it’s about responding to who you are now.
That’s the work.
Not:
“Can I still do what I used to?”
But:
“What do I need to do to get there again — safely, sustainably, and honestly?”
You Didn’t Go Backwards — Your Ego Just Thinks You Did
You just met a different version of yourself — and now you get to learn how to work with them.
And honestly?
That version of me…
The one who stopped when her chest tightened?
She’s actually better than the version of me I was trying so hard to be.
Because she listens.
Because she doesn’t lie to herself about what her body is actually telling her.
Because she knows the difference between:
quitting
and pushing herself past the point where it actually hurts her
And that?
That’s growth.
Even if it doesn’t look like finishing the 8K.
Want More Notes Like This
If this story hit close to home… you’re probably my kind of people.
I write a newsletter called Tawny Unlearns the BS where I share the real-time stuff I’m working through —
like learning how to stop comparing myself to versions of me that don’t even exist anymore, and all the other ways I get in my own way without realizing it.
👉 You can join the newsletter here: [SUBSCRIBE HERE]
